Remember my last post about one door closing while another one opens? This one here. Well, I’m ready for the big reveal:
There is so much turmoil, for many of us, surrounding our figuring out what “God’s plan” for our lives entails. I have, on many occasions, called out to God and begged, “Just reveal your will for my life and I will do it. I’ll start tomorrow and I’ll be the best at it, just tell me what to do…” I am sure on those many occasions God was shaking his head and rolling his eyes at my arrogance.
God is always revealing his will, I just don’t, really, want to hear what he has to say unless it involves exactly what I want it to. Which rarely happens, so you think I would have caught on by now that God is not holding out on me. That very possibly I am holding out on God.
Well, this is only half true because, yes, I have called out to God, but I thought he had already answered me. What I should have realized is that I had “God’s plan” all planned out. My Plan A. Write a book directed at young girls and women, outlining my life experiences and how God had redeemed me through all of it. I knew exactly how I wanted it to go, what it would take to get there and what the outcome would be. (See the problem? A lot of I’s and me’s in those statements) It was a great plan and one I know God had me on, for a time. The only thing missing was understanding why God was having me go there.
I was spending so much time looking forward and beyond, I failed to look down and back to see the trail had been orchestrated step by step for God’s glory and not my own.
I won’t go into big details because it really just makes me look like an idiot. The cool thing is that as I look back on ‘ol Plan A, I see God’s healing hand and his intention and direction toward what I am now referring to as “My Open Door.”
Sidenote: Calling it Plan B instead of My Open Door would make more sense and it would keep the theme a little more congruent or Plan A should really be called My Closed Door, if I am now referring to my new plan as My Open Door…
A few weeks ago I had an inkling that became a nudging that has turned into a commission, of sorts. I heard “Any ambition, other than that for your family’s greater good, is dangerous.” I knew exactly what that meant. I love independence. I love being alone and doing my own thing. I love change and I love walking away never looking back. The bible is pretty clear that all of those things on a constant basis are, well, dangerous. Especially dangerous for me because I crave them.
If I continued on with my plan, I would be risking the well being of my family, not because my plan was not serving God and others, but because my plan was giving me those things that are most dangerous for me.
I talked to Danny and decided to put my focus on our family, use my gift of hospitality to serve others in our church by joining a new ministry that would allow me to use those skills. I decided to cut back on writing and walk away, completely, from my Plan A because God’s plan had already served it purpose. I felt great about it. I quit my job last year in pursuit of my Plan A so I have plenty of time during the day to pursue more domestic endeavors.
I still was not completely sure why God had put me on this domestic path but I felt very strongly that this is where he wanted me, for now.
I’m pretty sure I now know why.
A few days beyond my inkling and four store bought tests and one doctor test later I found out that I am pregnant.
No calling to move to Africa. No march on Washington. No commission to write for any other purpose than to heal. Just a call to, right now, have ambition for my family.
How’s that for a Plan B?