Open Door-Slammed Shut

Wed, Apr 13, 2011

Miscarriages, Motherhood

February 22nd was my last post. I hadn’t realized that it had been that long since I had blogged but I had good reason.

Morning Sickness.

For the past 6 weeks, I could not think clearly or focus on small words and even the light of the computer made me want to puke. I wasn’t walk away, just taking yet another blog sabbatical… at least until I was a little farther long.

I found out a couple of weeks after my last post that I was pregnant with TWINS-which explained my intense morning sickness that pretty much lasted all day and night.  I didn’t matter that I was sick or that I was temporarily abandoning my blog, I was pregnant with twins! And we were all extremely excited.

Perryann loves her sister Gracie and was excited about more siblings. Gracie was Over. The. Moon. about having two new babies in the house. She voted on Charlie and Abbie for the names because she was sure it was a boy and a girl. We did not give my belly official names since I had two previous miscarriages in which we named my belly. Bob was the first in 2005. After we lost Bob and I got pregnant again in 2006, the belly was named Rocco. It was tough once we lost them to have had such a strong connection to them via belly identity, so we vowed to leave my belly anonymous in any future pregnancies. In my mind though, Charlie and Abbie were great placeholder names until we met our babies, even though I never said it out loud. I actually called them brotherbrother-sistersister-sisterbrother when I would talk about them to Gracie.

After having two miscarriages, I never thought In. A. Million. Years. that I would lose the twins. I just assumed that they would be fine because there was NO WAY God would allow these babies to not be born. I figured I had supernatural protection which constituted a free pass to an easy, perfect pregnancy because, again, NO WAY could I lose 4 babies in a row.

Not what happened.

We lost the twins last week, of all places, on a cruise to Jamaica and Grand Cayman celebrating Danny and my 10th Wedding Anniversary. We are devastated and heartbroken-and kinda still in shock.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell the story or that anyone wanted to read about this event in my life. In reality, my initial plan formulated this past week was to abandon the blog indefinitely and try and figure out what in the world I was going to do with my life now that my Plan A was abandoned  and my Plan B had been foiled.

What I love about blogging and what I hope you appreciate is that this blog is me. I don’t make up stories or try to impress or imply that I have it all together or that I am super spiritual.  I write about what happens in my life whether it is about my affinity for maternity underwear (even when I am not pregnant), my veracious facial hair issues or my realizations that even when I suck God loves me (there are too many post about my sucking yet God loving me to link one here).  It is my journal and the best record of who I am right now. One day I’ll print this all and pass it on to my kids and beyond so they will know who Grandma Z was and who they need to blame for their issues.

So, for now, why not continue doing what I love, which is writing, while I wait on God to reveal my Plan C.

My next few posts will be about our trip, losing the twins and a little about  Bob and Rocco.

*The door picture is from www.flowerdust.net entitled Church Door Locked.

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10 Comments For This Post

  1. tammy brown Says:

    I’m so proud of you for using this as one of the many means to process! ALSO for the rext you sent me today~ again… the running to and not isolating! You’re already handeling this heart breaking situation like a rock star! Plan C might inlcude… the everything CUPCAKE dinner we’re going to have or the Coffee dates:) Love you so so much!

  2. Nesha Says:

    Dear Lori,

    Thank you for being courageous enough to write about this. I admire your realness and find it refeshing that your words are authentic and capture who you are in Christ. I know we don’t know each other well, but know that I mean it with all my heart that I am praying for you and for your heart to be mended. I don’t pretend to know what to say, nor will I say the typical “Christianese” things. But I do want to say that I am confused, hurt, and heartbroken for you and your family.
    There are so many painful things that happen in this life and somethings seem to never make sense. I guess what I am trying to say is that it’s okay to ask God why and be heartbroken, but know that I am asking those questions with you. If you need someone to talk to, please know that I am here for you.

  3. bekahcubed Says:

    Oh, Lori–I am weeping with you and praying for you. What a tough, tough time.

  4. eddie Says:


    You are amazing and beautiful. I am proud of you and proud to know you. Thank you for sharing with the world the thoughts of your heart. You have a great gift and ability and people are blessed by you. Looking forward to giving you a hug as I know you love them ;-) .

  5. Debbie Jaurigue Says:

    So proud of you and how courageous you are. My heart hurts too but one day we will know and one day we will meet those precious babies. Love you and am praying for plan C.

  6. Danielle Says:

    I love you friend. Thank you for sharing your broken heart. You show me what it means to be strong and have faith in God. Your heart is truly one of the most beautifully honest hearts I have ever had the pleasure to watch and read about. Praying for your family and you. May God bless your heart with healing and eventually JOY.

  7. Anna Says:

    You are in my thoughts.

  8. Rachel H Says:

    Lori, just want you to know I’m praying for you, Dan and the girls. That he would comfort your hearts.

  9. Lori Zimbardi Says:

    Thanks Everyone. I am feeling much better today and I think sharing the story will be helpful in getting it all out and not letting it fester. My heart physically hurts but your words of encouragement mean a lot and help to ease the pain.

    Plus it is a pretty crazy story. @Megan, I think it was you that stated in a previous post or on FB when you found out I was preg with twins “only Lori..” That is how I felt about the chain of events- “this could only happen this way to me..”

  10. Lori Jo Says:

    i love you. <3 mourning with you and just want you to know you are so loved and everything else i could say is just stupid and just words. but i love you xoxo

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