February 22nd was my last post. I hadn’t realized that it had been that long since I had blogged but I had good reason.
For the past 6 weeks, I could not think clearly or focus on small words and even the light of the computer made me want to puke. I wasn’t walk away, just taking yet another blog sabbatical… at least until I was a little farther long.
I found out a couple of weeks after my last post that I was pregnant with TWINS-which explained my intense morning sickness that pretty much lasted all day and night. I didn’t matter that I was sick or that I was temporarily abandoning my blog, I was pregnant with twins! And we were all extremely excited.
Perryann loves her sister Gracie and was excited about more siblings. Gracie was Over. The. Moon. about having two new babies in the house. She voted on Charlie and Abbie for the names because she was sure it was a boy and a girl. We did not give my belly official names since I had two previous miscarriages in which we named my belly. Bob was the first in 2005. After we lost Bob and I got pregnant again in 2006, the belly was named Rocco. It was tough once we lost them to have had such a strong connection to them via belly identity, so we vowed to leave my belly anonymous in any future pregnancies. In my mind though, Charlie and Abbie were great placeholder names until we met our babies, even though I never said it out loud. I actually called them brotherbrother-sistersister-sisterbrother when I would talk about them to Gracie.
After having two miscarriages, I never thought In. A. Million. Years. that I would lose the twins. I just assumed that they would be fine because there was NO WAY God would allow these babies to not be born. I figured I had supernatural protection which constituted a free pass to an easy, perfect pregnancy because, again, NO WAY could I lose 4 babies in a row.
Not what happened.
We lost the twins last week, of all places, on a cruise to Jamaica and Grand Cayman celebrating Danny and my 10th Wedding Anniversary. We are devastated and heartbroken-and kinda still in shock.
I wasn’t sure I wanted to tell the story or that anyone wanted to read about this event in my life. In reality, my initial plan formulated this past week was to abandon the blog indefinitely and try and figure out what in the world I was going to do with my life now that my Plan A was abandoned and my Plan B had been foiled.
What I love about blogging and what I hope you appreciate is that this blog is me. I don’t make up stories or try to impress or imply that I have it all together or that I am super spiritual. I write about what happens in my life whether it is about my affinity for maternity underwear (even when I am not pregnant), my veracious facial hair issues or my realizations that even when I suck God loves me (there are too many post about my sucking yet God loving me to link one here). It is my journal and the best record of who I am right now. One day I’ll print this all and pass it on to my kids and beyond so they will know who Grandma Z was and who they need to blame for their issues.
So, for now, why not continue doing what I love, which is writing, while I wait on God to reveal my Plan C.
My next few posts will be about our trip, losing the twins and a little about Bob and Rocco.
*The door picture is from www.flowerdust.net entitled Church Door Locked.