As our flight from Grand Cayman to Atlanta took off, my usual flight ritual of praying for a safe flight, a sober pilot (perhaps an air traffic controller that was not napping), a little confession-just in case, and wondering how on earth the electronic headache reliever/massager made it into Skymall, didn’t take place like it usually does.
My only thought as we ascending into the clouds was, “I’m leaving my babies.”
I knew their souls were in heaven and, at that moment, Jesus was holding them close to Him, but I was overwhelmed with the grief that I had left them behind. I wondered if they were sitting in a bio-hazard trash can or headed to the incinerator and if they were, the realization that there was nothing I could do about it.
It was surreal that, also at that very moment, we were supposed to be on a Celebrity Cruise ship headed back to Miami after a fun filled 4 days and 5 nights in the Caribbean. A cruise ship that had our friends and their kids on it. A cruise that was not only a family vacation, but my 10th Wedding Anninversary celebration, plus an amazing creativity conference thrown in for inspiration.
It was not supposed to be the place where I miscarried the twins, was forced to disembark said cruise ship, made to undergo a surgery like procedure by Cayman doctors, left alone in a hospital room all night (they wouldnt let Danny stay) and then finally realeased with a ”fit to fly document”, a slew of pills, a belly that still looked pregant and directions to the airport to make our own way home. It is pretty unreal to be standed in a foreign country with doctors in control of your sea or air worthy destiny.
From the top:
We boarded the cruise ship on a Saturday for a 5 night adventure to Jamaica and Grand Cayman. We spent Sunday on the ship at sea and ported on Monday for a day in Jamaica. It was awesome. I was almost 12 week pregnant so I watched Danny and our friends converse with the locals,
swim with dolphins,
and climb an amazing waterfall.
We spent a tiny bit of time in town having lunch before we boarded the ship for the next leg to Grand Cayman which would port on Tuesday morning. Then after a day of snorkling and exploring, spend another day at sea before docking back in Miami.
I was tired after the day in Jamaica but not exhausted and really, other than a headache, I felt fine. I took a nap as the ship left Jamaica and I woke an hour later, or so, feeling only the urge to pee. I went to the ladies room, which was an hourly pregnancy occurance, but this time I knew something was wrong. Danny was out on the ship while I napped, so I frantically went to find our friends who were in the cabin next door. The guys headed out to find Danny and I was rushed to the medical center on board. They determined that I needed to be seen the next morning by doctors in Grand Cayman so Danny and I went back to our cabin and waited. We prayed and our friends prayed and our friend’s kids prayed.
I begged God not to allow these babies to leave me. I prayed that they would be protected and I would be healed. Danny read the Bible that night and I pleaded with God for a miracle. That if they were gone, He would raise them like Lazarus or the young girl in Mark 5:25 who Jesus told the parents, who thought their daughter was dead, not to weep because their daughter was just sleeping or just prior to that in Mark 5:21 to heal me like the lady who had had “womanly issues” for 12 years who Jesus healed when she touched his robe and said to her “My daughter, your faith has healed you; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”
I wanted so badly for God to pick me to heal. I was His daughter. I have incredible faith. I begged God to allow my story be the story of miraculous healing. I wanted my belief and faith to make me and the twins well. I had already lost 2 babies, it would be a great testament to God’s mercy and love if only…
He didn’t pick me. Well, he did but just not to be the earthy Mom of the twins. I know he has picked me for so much more but this is about the babies so…
We went in for an ultrasound at the hospital in G.C. and there they were. A perfect image of both babies still in my womb. They were so much bigger than my pervious ultrasound. I had incredible hope. I thought I had lost them on the ship. I’m not gonna get graphic here-so I hope you know what I mean by “lost them.” But I hadn’t, there they were on the screen. A sac on the left and one on the right. Their heads were big and they had arms and legs. My hope and relief turned to fear when I asked the technician if they were okay. They looked fine, but she would not answer when I asked if they had heartbeats. I thought maybe she didnt hear me, so I said again “Do you see a heartbeat.”
No answer. There weren’t any heartbeats. They were gone but still inside me. I was devastated but we had some medical business-dilemmas to take care of.
Dilemma #1- I couldn’t get back on the ship, which was leaving in 6 hours, until they knew that the babies were out. Without another miracle, that was not going to happen.
Dilemma #2 – my body was not making it clear that it was going to happen naturally anytime soon and it was clear God was allowing me to go through this for an unclear, as of yet, reason.
Dilemma #3 – the only solution was either a D & C (which I did not want) which would keep me in G.C. at least one additional day or stay in the hospital indefinately until it happened on it’s own which, by the way, the doctors would not allow-nor would our bank account.
Long story short- I had the D&C. We stayed in G.C. one additonal day and flew directly to Atanta to pick up Gracie who was staying with family then home to reunite with Perryann and begin to deal with our new reality.
What I am dealing with: 1. Losing our twins which has been one of the most painful physically, emotionally and spiritually events in my life. 2. Anger that God did not pick me, in this instance, to save and heal the babies. 3. My new reality that has me still, seeking God and waiting for him to reveal my Plan C-in His time.
What I know: 1. I will heal. 2. I will never know why my last four children are in Heaven and not here with me. 3. I WILL see them again. 4. That I have two outrageously amazing daughters that need their Mom here and present in their lives 5. A husband that loves me, takes care of me and is hurting with me. 6. The most amazing family, church family and friends that care and are walking through this with us. 7. Anger is okay, at times, as long as it does not become who I am and allows me to seek God more.
And most importantly: 8. I still have faith and I still believe in a God that is good and knows what is best for me.
As I looked out into the clouds while our plane was taking off I did have a moment of comfort. I knew the twins were in Heaven and I know I heard God tell me that they were with Him and not discarded in Grand Cayman. That they were fine and waiting for me. Then I felt their love for me-for just an instant. I passed Danny a note on a beverage napkin because I could not speak (I have no idea what I actually wrote) but I know it stated that I knew where the babies were. I knew God was taking care of them and that He allowed me to feel for a moment the peace they were experiencing.