Sun, Oct 4, 2009
“You don’t believe God loves you, do you”? “What”? “You don’t believe God loves you, do you”? (Pause) “Of course, I do…yes, I do”. Really? “Why are you looking at me like that? (Pause) I believe God loves me…I do.”
Freak! Was my first thought after the uncomfortable exchange with my Chiropractor, Dr. Lundgren. My next thought was why is my Chiropractor asking me about God? He is such a great Doctor why did he have to go and ruin it?
Great, now I have to find a new Chiropractor.
I did not know what to do with that question. I was a Christian. I believed in God. Of course God loved me. I prayed sporadically and read my bible occasionally. I donated a turkey to the homeless shelter at Thanksgiving-isn’t that what good Christians do? Why would I think God didn’t love me? What did Dr. Lundgren see in me that I did not see? What made him think I did not believe I was loved?
The funny thing is, I would never find out because I never went back to him. I was terrified of his evaluation of me. We had a great Doctor/Patient relationship and looking back it was awesome that he felt comfortable enough to call me out and hold me accountable for what I professed to be, a Christian. I was just not willing to hear the truth in that way. I left that day and never went back. That was three years ago and in all honesty he was absolutely right. I did not believe I was loved. I certainly did not believe I was worthy.
Ever After is one of my favorite movies. After an emotional exchange, the lead character Danielle asks her Stepmother if she ever loved her, her Stepmother replies, “Who could ever love a pebble in their shoe”? I think about that line when I try and put into words how I have always felt about my relationship with God. I must irritate him with my shame, doubt and fear. He has to be tired of my constant screw-ups and the overwhelming amount of sin in my life. He has to, at some point, want to just kick off his glowing golden Birkenstocks and get rid of me-a meaningless and annoying little pebble in this world.
So what makes a person think they are unworthy of love…even the love of God? On my journey to seek God and discover his will for my life, I have had to reflect on why I could not believe I was loved, by my family, my friends, my church and my God. What I found was a confused 10 year old Catholic school girl wanting desperately to be accepted, a determined teenager looking for unconditional love and support and redemption that was still decades away.